A Smooth Sea Never Made a Skilled Sailor

I clearly remember the first time that I saw the words sex addict in print. I was trying to save my marriage after my first affair—an incredibly destructive and deeply painful five-month relationship with a married colleague.

My wife and I were seeing a couples counselor. We were reading the books.

Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (the mother of public radio personality Ira Glass) was first on my list. All the boundary issues that the book discussed resonated so much for me. Windows and walls. Then I saw it.

Sex addict.

Those two little words completely terrified me. Maybe love addict I said to myself. I was so caught up in the semantics of sex vs love — ignoring that it was all unmanageable for me. The need for external validation. The pattern of avoidant and dishonest behaviors. I continued in secrecy and denial for years, letting the addiction grow in the shadows.

Another affair. Then another. An untold number of awful, unfaithful behaviors. A destructive and growing storm of my own selfishness and cowardice. And I didn't know how to stop.

Sometime later, while walking back from engaging in such shameful behavior, I ducked through a back alley in an attempt to sneak back to my office. There I noticed a somewhat random sign in a window.

For a brief moment, it gave me a small sense of hope. That I could somehow survive this destructive storm of my own doing.

It wasn't until I read "Chapter One: Our Addiction" in the SAA Green Book that I really understood and accepted it to be true. It was like looking into a mirror—the words reflecting my own truth right back to me. I could no longer deny it. I was a textbook sex addict.

The importance of quality literature in recovery cannot be understated. We stop learning in our addiction. Books force us outside of ourselves, even if just for a moment, to confront our true reality.

We've put together a list of recommended books to foster our education and healing. By no means a complete list, and in no particular order, we hope these titles will help anyone find their path in integrity.

Recommended Reading

Not "Just Friends" — Shirley Glass

While focused on infidelity, this book illuminates emotional patterns that often hide in sex and love addiction—secrecy, isolation, blurred boundaries.

SAA Green Book — Sex Addicts Anonymous

The foundational text of the Sex Addicts Anonymous fellowship, laying out the principles, tools, and spiritual framework of recovery.

Out of the Shadows — Patrick Carnes, PhD

Breaks down the cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, compulsion, and despair with compassionate, clinically-grounded wisdom.

The Gifts of Imperfection — Brené Brown

Explores how embracing vulnerability and imperfection fosters authenticity, belonging, and resilience.

The Body Keeps the Score — Bessel van der Kolk, MD

A landmark exploration of how trauma is stored in the body and nervous system.

Facing Love Addiction — Pia Mellody

Maps out a 12-step recovery path for love addiction rooted in trauma and boundary distortion.

Sex Addiction 101 — Robert Weiss

A concise introduction to sex addiction—brain chemistry, addiction cycles, and treatment options.

Attached — Amir Levine & Rachel Heller

A research-backed guide to adult attachment styles and how they shape intimacy.

Hold Me Tight — Dr. Sue Johnson

Guides couples through transformative conversations to deepen emotional bonding and repair attachment wounds.

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing — Susan Anderson

Addresses the pain of abandonment and offers tools to reclaim self-worth and rebuild internal safety.

Love Me, Don't Leave Me — Michelle Skeen

Explores abandonment fears and the patterns that keep people stuck in unhealthy love dynamics.

Set Boundaries, Find Peace — Nedra Glover Tawwab

Practical, approachable guidance for identifying and maintaining healthy boundaries.

The New Codependency — Melody Beattie

Reframes codependency with compassion, helping readers rediscover self-worth and autonomy.

Facing Codependence — Pia Mellody

A trauma-informed examination of how childhood wounds become adult codependent behaviors.

Healing the Shame That Binds You — John Bradshaw

Reveals how toxic shame drives addictive and codependent behaviors.

No Bad Parts — Richard Schwartz

Teaches readers to understand and integrate different parts of themselves using Internal Family Systems.

Radical Acceptance — Tara Brach

A mindfulness-based guide to stop fighting against painful emotions.

When Things Fall Apart — Pema Chödrön

Timeless Buddhist wisdom for staying present with fear, loss, and grief.

Daily Meditations

Voices of Recovery (SAA)

A meditation book written and produced by the SAA fellowship.

Answers in the Heart

Daily meditations for men and women recovering from sex addiction.

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Recovery is a journey from secrecy into connection, from confusion into clarity. These books helped us find the language, perspective, and strength to begin showing up differently—for ourselves and those we love. We hope they'll meet you where you are and guide you forward, one page and one day at a time.