When I first began facing my sex addiction, accountability felt like a threat. I thought it meant judgment, lectures, or someone else controlling my choices. And I certainly didn’t want to give up my sense of control.
What I didn’t understand back then was that accountability isn’t about control or punishment. It’s about freedom.
Addiction taught me to live in secrets. I got used to hiding, to saying “I’m fine” when I wasn’t. That secrecy became part of the sickness. So when I started practicing accountability—sharing my highs and lows, naming resentments, even admitting when I was close to acting out—it felt like I was tearing down the walls I had built around myself. Walls that had kept me isolated for years.
One of the tools that helps me is a simple weekly check-in. On paper, it looks straightforward: write down my highs and lows, my feelings, any lies or secrets, moments I came close to slipping, what I did for recovery, what I did for self-care, and then end with an affirmation. But when I actually sit with it, I realize it’s about more than filling in blanks. It’s about telling the truth—to myself and to others I share it with. (Often a group of other sex addicts that I meet for lunch each Thursday.)
Some weeks my check-in looks good: I can name progress, celebrate recovery activities, feel proud of how I navigated temptation. Other weeks it’s messy: I have to admit to dishonesty and moments where I barely caught myself before falling. Either way, the act of writing it down and sharing it pulls me out of secrecy.
What I’ve learned is that accountability isn’t about being policed. It’s about being known. Every time I let someone else see the truth about my week, I chip away at shame. Every time I practice honesty in those small details, I build a little more integrity.
I still don’t always like accountability. It can be uncomfortable to write down my resentments or admit how close I came to old patterns. But I’ve come to see it as a lifeline. Without it, my addiction thrives. With it, I have a fighting chance at living openly, freely, and at peace.
To help build accountability in your life, check out this printable PDF you can use for a daily or weekly check-in:
Content warning: This post discusses sex addiction. Please take care of yourself as you read and don’t hesitate to get support.
I clearly remember the first time that I saw the words sex addict in print. I was trying to save my marriage after my first affair. (An incredibly destructive and deeply painful 5-month relationship with a married colleague.)
My wife and I were seeing a couples counselor.
We were reading the books.
Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass (the mother of public radio personality, Ira Glass) was first on my list. All the boundary issues that the book discussed resonated so much for me. Windows and walls. Then I saw it.
Sex addict.
Those two little words completely terrified me. Maybe love addict I said to myself. I was so caught up in the semantics of sex vs love — ignoring that it was all unmanageable for me. The need for external validation. The pattern of avoidant and dishonest behaviors. I continued in secrecy and denial for years, letting the addiction grow in the shadows.
Another affair. Then another. An untold number of awful, unfaithful behaviors. A destructive and growing storm of my own selfishness and cowardice. And I didn’t know how to stop.
Sometime later, while walking back from engaging in such shameful behavior, I ducked through a back alley in an attempt to sneak back to my office.
There I noticed a somewhat random sign in a window:
For a brief moment, it gave me a small sense of hope. That I could somehow survive this destructive storm of my own doing.
But it wasn’t until I read “Chapter One: Our Addiction” in the SAA Green Book that I really understood and accepted it to be true. It was like looking into a mirror—the words reflecting my own truth right back to me. I could no longer deny it. I was a textbook sex addict.
The importance of quality literature in recovery cannot be understated. We stop learning in our addiction. Books force us outside of ourselves, even if just for a moment to confront our true reality.
We’ve put together a list of recommended books to foster our education and healing. By no means a complete list (and in no particular order), we hope these titles will help anyone find their path in integrity.
Recommended Reading
Not “Just Friends”: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity – Shirley Glass
While focused on infidelity, Not “Just Friends” illuminates emotional patterns that often hide in sex and love addiction—secrecy, isolation, blurred boundaries. Glass provides steps for rebuilding trust and clarity in relationships, making it relevant to recovery work.
The foundational text of the Sex Addicts Anonymous fellowship, the Green Book lays out the principles, tools, and spiritual framework of recovery from sex addiction. It includes personal stories from members, the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions as applied to SAA, and deep guidance on defining sobriety, building a support network, and finding long-term healing through spiritual growth and community. A must-read for newcomers and long-timers alike.
A cornerstone in sexual addiction recovery, Out of the Shadows breaks down the cycle of preoccupation, ritualization, compulsion, and despair with compassionate wisdom and spiritual insight. Drawing on clinical research and real-life stories, Carnes provides recovery tools rooted in compassion and 12‑Step principles—offering a pathway back from secrecy and shame.
Brown explores how embracing vulnerability and imperfection fosters authenticity, belonging, and resilience. Her practical guidance supports recovery by encouraging wholehearted living and self-worth disconnected from performance or others’ approval.
The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk, MD
A landmark exploration of how trauma is stored in the body and nervous system. Dr. van der Kolk shares science-based therapies (like EMDR, yoga, neurofeedback) that help reconnect, heal, and restore somatic safety.
Mellody offers a clear-eyed exploration of love addiction and its roots in trauma, emotional neglect, and boundary distortion. With a grounded perspective, she maps out a 12‑step recovery path filled with journal prompts, self-ownership exercises, and practical tools for healing from obsessive relationship patterns.
A concise yet comprehensive introduction to sex addiction—covering brain chemistry, addiction cycles, treatment options, and how digital environments contribute to compulsive behavior. Weiss brings clarity and compassion, guided by real stories and practical recovery tools for addicts, partners, and clinicians.
A clear, research-backed guide to adult attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, and secure. Levine and Heller offer practical insight into how these early patterns shape intimacy, with strategies to build stronger, more secure connections.
Based on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), this book guides couples through seven transformative conversations to deepen emotional bonding and repair attachment wounds. It draws on decades of clinical work and offers clear exercises that foster trust and intimacy.
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing – Susan Anderson
This deeply compassionate book addresses the profound pain of abandonment and rejection. Anderson maps grief’s stages and offers tools to reclaim self-worth, rebuild internal safety, and move from brokenness to healing.
Skeen explores abandonment fears and the patterns that keep people stuck in unhealthy love dynamics. With insight and warmth, she helps readers identify triggers, build self-regulation, and create stable, authentic bonds.
Tawwab offers practical, approachable guidance for identifying, setting, and maintaining healthy boundaries. Her empathetic, actionable style makes this a supportive tool for anyone grieving old habits of people-pleasing or caretaking.
Beattie reframes codependency with compassion, helping readers rediscover self-worth and autonomy. This updated classic includes personal stories, reflection prompts, and strategies aligned with recovery from addictive relationships.
A compassionate, trauma-informed examination of how childhood wounds become adult codependent behaviors. Mellody offers recovery tools—journaling, boundary work, self-care—to reclaim self-trust and authentic connection.
Bradshaw reveals how toxic shame—the belief of being unworthy—drives addictive and codependent behaviors. With compassionate insight, he outlines recovery paths including inner child work, self-compassion, and emotional reparenting.
From the creator of Internal Family Systems (IFS), this book teaches readers to understand and integrate different parts of themselves—inner critic, wounded child, exile. It’s a powerful model for healing trauma and rebuilding self-trust.
This mindfulness-based guide teaches people to stop fighting against themselves and painful emotions. Through meditation practices and compassionate presence, Brach offers a path away from shame and self-rejection—core challenges in addiction recovery.
Chödrön offers timeless Buddhist wisdom for staying present with fear, loss, and grief. Her gentle teachings help readers cultivate courage, kindness, and patience—building inner resilience necessary for recovery.
Voices of Recovery is the response to requests from SAA members for a meditation book written and produced by the fellowship. This book is not the work of a single person. Numerous individuals have donated their time and talents to writing, reading, selecting, and editing meditations. Each meditation is a reflection of the individual member’s own experience, strength, and hope in their own recovery process.
Answers in the Heart: Daily Meditations for Men and Women Recovering from Sex Addiction
This daily meditation book provides concise, affirming reflections for each day of the year—supporting emotional healing, spiritual growth, and deeper self-understanding. Rooted in the experiences of sex addicts in recovery, Answers in the Heart offers grounding, clarity, and encouragement in the often-challenging day-to-day work of sobriety. Many SAA members use it as a trusted companion for morning meditation or step work.
Recovery is a journey from secrecy into connection, from confusion into clarity. These books helped us find the language, perspective, and strength to begin showing up differently—for ourselves and those we love. We hope they’ll meet you where you are and guide you forward, one page and one day at a time.
Recovery doesn’t always start with clarity. It often begins in the middle of the storm—when everything feels sideways and completely upside down.
If you’re here, there’s a good chance you’re looking for something new. Maybe things have spiraled out of control. Maybe you’re trying to make sense of patterns you can’t quite name. Maybe you’re holding shame you can no longer carry. Or maybe you’re just… tired. Tired of the cycles. Tired of pretending. Tired of feeling alone in your pain.
We built Sideways & Upside Down for exactly that moment.
Why We Exist
This site was created by people who’ve been impacted by sex and love addiction firsthand. We know the power of compulsive behavior and the devastation it causes. But more importantly, we’ve seen what’s possible on the other side.
We believe recovery is not about perfection. It’s about Honesty. Structure. Support. Grace. It’s about building new habits and structured processes that help you show up for your own life, one day at a time.
Sideways & Upside Down offers organizational tools designed specifically for this journey of recovery—resources for both individuals and couples. Tools that aren’t about fixing you, but about helping you hold yourself accountable and find authentic connection & intimacy.
What to Expect
This site offers tools and resources to support:
Those in early recovery
Couples healing from betrayal or trauma
People working through the 12 Steps
Sponsors and sponsees seeking structured tools and worksheets
Anyone looking to build a more grounded, authentic relationship with themselves and others
Stay tuned for the launch of our tools and resources section. Arriving late 2025.
